My name’s Harlem and although I’ve only been around for 11yrs I’m writing a section of my autobiography. The area of my autobiography I’m writing about is when I got my teeth out in hospital. This is how the day went. I woke up dreading knowing that today I had to get my teeth out. Although I was reasonably apprehensive,I tried to pretend as if I wasn’t. On the day I was getting my teeth out our class was starting swimming so I was also unhappy about that. I made out like I didn’t was to have the operation because of the swimming but honestly it was a mixture of both. I thought I was doing a very good job of hiding it but now that I look back at it I think everyone new I was scared. After leaving the house we got in the car and drove to guy’s hospital. We entered the building my heart beating faster ever second knowing what was ahead. We sat down after signing in. funnily enough there was a musician ,who was playing a cello , while we were waiting. After reading a book and starting to watch a DVD 20 minutes had past and it was time for my operation.
We slowly walked towards the operation room each step getting louder in my head. Thud!Thud! Thud! Step by step inch by inch we got closer. I sucked my thumb which I used to do every were. I got on the bed daunting every minute of waiting. The anthestic , began to kick in I tried to fight it but I just couldn’t my last thought was winning Wimbledon and the world cup. Slowly I dozed off into a deep sleep.
Waking up while being disorientated I felt and agonising pain in my mouth. I had 40 stitches and 3 teeth out . A cyst was blocking 2nd my teeth so they couldn’t come through. On an unrelated issue the reason why my one of my teeth are bent is because I banged it when I was younger and all the force went to that single tooth killing it. They pulled out my front two teeth so my big one’s could come in and replace them. When my front teeth died they wouldn’t drop out because the nerves died.
October 30, 2015 at 3:46 pm
Harlem, this is a fascinating autobiography that is honest and open about your feelings. It has really helped you to focus on a single event and to describe this to your reader in good detail.
This doesn’t yet unlock the badge, but you are exceptionally close.
Targets:
1) Your opening paragraph is a little long. I think you could separate moments a little more effectively by using more paragraphs.
2) Place names, such as ‘Guy’s Hospital’, should have capital letters.
3) You have used ‘new’ rather then ‘knew’.
4) You have a couple of missing capital letters at the start of sentences.
5) Check your spelling of ‘anesthetic’.
6) Could you re-write this sentence more clearly?
‘The anthestic , began to kick in I tried to fight it but I just couldn’t my last thought was winning Wimbledon and the world cup.’
7) You final paragraph is grammatically insecure and reads completely differently to your others. Could you re-write it more clearly?
February 21, 2016 at 10:05 pm
Congratulations. This piece of work now unlocks the autobiography badge. Well done!